I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
