break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
