are you still at the devil's house?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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