Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
