I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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