Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
