Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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