At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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