How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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