I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let's get the cat blown out
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
