I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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