Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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