Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
