I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
