Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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