I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
