filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
