I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Two words: blizzard sex
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
