My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
