I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think my vagina is haunted
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
