There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
