I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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