woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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