i just sent this text using only my big toe
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
