Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
