No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
