Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
