I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My hand turned me down
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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