This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
