Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
