she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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