woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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