i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
