I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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