i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just found puke in my bra..
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
