evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My ass is underappreciated
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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