so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
