Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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