..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
