Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
organizing the empties. That sober.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
