My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
