I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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