I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
