Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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