It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
