my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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