that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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