this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
