I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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