i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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