I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
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I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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