Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
