I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
