If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
