he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
