I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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