Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
