Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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