I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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