The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
