I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize